My Fat Body

Yeah. Another post about body positivity, weight issues, and a more in-depth look at my story. The narrative will jump around, so bear with me here.

This narrative starts with yesterday. Everyday Feminism posted a Justin Dennis video where he talks about fat shaming. This is an important video for a couple of reasons. 

The first reason is because Justin Dennis is a thin human being. Ally voices are so important. No, I don't need a thin person to advocate for me. If you know me, you know I'm really outspoken. Still. Just like the LGBTQ+ community benefits from straight allies and white allies are important in conversations about race, thin allies are important for people of size because it is support. 

The second reason this video is important is because it addresses my biggest issue regarding those who oppose the body positive movement:  "concern." This often comes in the guise of, "I don't hate fat people, I'm just concerned about their health." Bitch. No you are NOT. People who use this sentence are just looking to make themselves feel better about their hatred of fat people. It's like when people say, "love the sinner, hate the sin." 

Your shit is out, and it stinks.

I took the time to share my story on Justin Dennis' video. In true "Lisa Fashion," I also chose to reply to someone who was clearly fat-shaming in the comments. Today, I was greeted by a reply that said:  "who are you trying to convince? If you eat as many calories as you say you do an actual exercise you wouldn't be overweight. It's calories in calories out. The laws of thermodynamics apply to everyone. If for some reason they don't apply to you than you should contact NASA." There are a lot of reasons why this comment was horrendous, but that's irrelevant. I instructed this hateful troll lovely human to return to the first grade and brush up on their reading comprehension skills, because clearly they missed the point on my story.

Why this person needs reading comprehension:

I've been trying to lose weight for about five years. I'm the first to admit that I wasn't a robot about it, but swimming laps and a healthy-ish diet were part of my overall routine. Weight was really resistant to come off. I had small successes and victories, but nothing that continued for very long. I would add and change up my workouts, then the weight would come back on. I would get discouraged after several months and quit. This was the cycle for five years, folks. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't gotten so discouraged, but I can't dwell on that.

I've always been considered "overweight." Even when I was a kid. I got very mixed messages about food, and developed BED after abusive experiences. The biggest contributor to my weight, though, has been hormonal. I wouldn't lose anything. I have had two c-sections and have been on various birth controls. I was almost at the point of considering weight loss surgery, but insurance and gynecological problems got in the way. I ended up having a uterine hysterectomy in May.

Which brings me to the rest of today. Today has been FANTASTIC!

I went to see one of my doctors. I stood on the scale and I'm down 19 pounds since my last visit in her office. NINE.TEEN.POUNDS. My last visit was a week or two before my hysterectomy.

After that appointment, I was pretty pumped. I worked out like a beast at the gym. Dancing in-between sets.

Then, I stopped at Target for prescriptions. While they're being filled, I tried on some clothes for the hell of it. The workout shirt I tried on was from the REGULAR section. AND I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size smaller than the previous pair I purchased there. WITH NO MUFFIN TOP.

I got weepy. I want to wear a sign that says:

19 pounds and one pants size down since I evicted my hateful uterus."

This wasn't just a personal victory. Don't get me wrong, it IS a huge victory in my life and my physical and emotional well-being. It's also a victory against haters. Against the "concerned" fat-shamers. Against the trolls in the world who have nothing good in their life so they sit around and hate on other people. Against every. fucking. doctor. who prescribed "weight loss" instead of seeing my weight as a symptom, not the disease. Against the self-help books that tell me "overcoming BED is about self-control and distraction." Against the mental illness that told me this day would never come.

This isn't just a victory against people. It's a victory FOR people. 

For YOU. Yes, you. The one who, like me, has tried everything under the sun to try and lose weight and nothing worked. This is a victory for those of you who have been ignored and shamed. For all the people who hate eating out because you know that if you order healthy, people will judge you. And if you order crappy food, you know that people will judge you. For the people who have had someone comment on their grocery cart items. For the people who looked at you when you walked on a plane and thought, "yeah right," and you had to ask a flight attendant in a low voice for a seat belt extender.  

This is also for MY people. My tribe. For people who LOVED me at my absolute highest weight of 341 pounds (from which I have lost 34 pounds total) and will love me when this journey is done. For the people who have seen me sweat and work without results, then dried my tears. For those of you listened and chose to be understanding. For those who found me attractive and sexy, no matter what. WE GOT THIS. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart.