My Fat Body

Yeah. Another post about body positivity, weight issues, and a more in-depth look at my story. The narrative will jump around, so bear with me here.

This narrative starts with yesterday. Everyday Feminism posted a Justin Dennis video where he talks about fat shaming. This is an important video for a couple of reasons. 

The first reason is because Justin Dennis is a thin human being. Ally voices are so important. No, I don't need a thin person to advocate for me. If you know me, you know I'm really outspoken. Still. Just like the LGBTQ+ community benefits from straight allies and white allies are important in conversations about race, thin allies are important for people of size because it is support. 

The second reason this video is important is because it addresses my biggest issue regarding those who oppose the body positive movement:  "concern." This often comes in the guise of, "I don't hate fat people, I'm just concerned about their health." Bitch. No you are NOT. People who use this sentence are just looking to make themselves feel better about their hatred of fat people. It's like when people say, "love the sinner, hate the sin." 

Your shit is out, and it stinks.

I took the time to share my story on Justin Dennis' video. In true "Lisa Fashion," I also chose to reply to someone who was clearly fat-shaming in the comments. Today, I was greeted by a reply that said:  "who are you trying to convince? If you eat as many calories as you say you do an actual exercise you wouldn't be overweight. It's calories in calories out. The laws of thermodynamics apply to everyone. If for some reason they don't apply to you than you should contact NASA." There are a lot of reasons why this comment was horrendous, but that's irrelevant. I instructed this hateful troll lovely human to return to the first grade and brush up on their reading comprehension skills, because clearly they missed the point on my story.

Why this person needs reading comprehension:

I've been trying to lose weight for about five years. I'm the first to admit that I wasn't a robot about it, but swimming laps and a healthy-ish diet were part of my overall routine. Weight was really resistant to come off. I had small successes and victories, but nothing that continued for very long. I would add and change up my workouts, then the weight would come back on. I would get discouraged after several months and quit. This was the cycle for five years, folks. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't gotten so discouraged, but I can't dwell on that.

I've always been considered "overweight." Even when I was a kid. I got very mixed messages about food, and developed BED after abusive experiences. The biggest contributor to my weight, though, has been hormonal. I wouldn't lose anything. I have had two c-sections and have been on various birth controls. I was almost at the point of considering weight loss surgery, but insurance and gynecological problems got in the way. I ended up having a uterine hysterectomy in May.

Which brings me to the rest of today. Today has been FANTASTIC!

I went to see one of my doctors. I stood on the scale and I'm down 19 pounds since my last visit in her office. NINE.TEEN.POUNDS. My last visit was a week or two before my hysterectomy.

After that appointment, I was pretty pumped. I worked out like a beast at the gym. Dancing in-between sets.

Then, I stopped at Target for prescriptions. While they're being filled, I tried on some clothes for the hell of it. The workout shirt I tried on was from the REGULAR section. AND I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size smaller than the previous pair I purchased there. WITH NO MUFFIN TOP.

I got weepy. I want to wear a sign that says:

19 pounds and one pants size down since I evicted my hateful uterus."

This wasn't just a personal victory. Don't get me wrong, it IS a huge victory in my life and my physical and emotional well-being. It's also a victory against haters. Against the "concerned" fat-shamers. Against the trolls in the world who have nothing good in their life so they sit around and hate on other people. Against every. fucking. doctor. who prescribed "weight loss" instead of seeing my weight as a symptom, not the disease. Against the self-help books that tell me "overcoming BED is about self-control and distraction." Against the mental illness that told me this day would never come.

This isn't just a victory against people. It's a victory FOR people. 

For YOU. Yes, you. The one who, like me, has tried everything under the sun to try and lose weight and nothing worked. This is a victory for those of you who have been ignored and shamed. For all the people who hate eating out because you know that if you order healthy, people will judge you. And if you order crappy food, you know that people will judge you. For the people who have had someone comment on their grocery cart items. For the people who looked at you when you walked on a plane and thought, "yeah right," and you had to ask a flight attendant in a low voice for a seat belt extender.  

This is also for MY people. My tribe. For people who LOVED me at my absolute highest weight of 341 pounds (from which I have lost 34 pounds total) and will love me when this journey is done. For the people who have seen me sweat and work without results, then dried my tears. For those of you listened and chose to be understanding. For those who found me attractive and sexy, no matter what. WE GOT THIS. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

Radical Body Love

A few weeks ago I posted a fitness motivation video filled with women of various ages, sizes, skin colors and abilities. It was beautiful. These women were swimming, dancing, spinning, playing team sports, running...

I went to a wedding last night and danced my butt off. Drenched in sweat, I had a blast. More than likely, there were people there who probably didn't know I could move my body like that. I'm almost certain that there were people there that didn't think I should move my body like that. Somehow, my size means that I am not entitled to fun. My body is supposed to be this huge source of shame for me. Something I am supposed to hide.

I refuse to hide. I hid before and my depression spiraled. I hid before and I was a binge eater. I don't hide. I wasn't made for the shadows.

My body is not disgusting. No, the skin isn't firm and smooth. Yes, I have rolls in places. Yet my body is amazing. My body allows me to dance and walk and run and play and swim. If you think that my squishy, dimpled skin is disgusting, DON'T LOOK AT ME. What's more than that, you don't get to tell me what I call myself. If I want to call myself fat, curvy, lard ass, thick, chubby, or sexy as fuck, you don't get to tell me I'm wrong.

Now, for everyone else that isn't a hateful troll, I want you to imagine how different this world could look if we stopped hiding. If we stopped telling people of size that they are gross and shame them into hiding, how many more people would feel confident enough to be more active and take more initiative in their lives to be healthy. What has shaming people into weight loss ever done? All it has done is create a multi-billion dollar industry that we've all bought into. An industry that is not designed for people to succeed and shames us for not succeeding, then sells us more stuff that won't work in the long term.

Instead, let's fuel a movement of radical love. Not the trite support that comes with condescending "encouragement." Instead, a movement of radical love that does not focus on what our bodies look like, but what our bodies do. Where someone's size is not the litmus test for how you feel about them. This radical body love does not just allow large people to feel like they have a place in society. It allows small people to feel like they're not the source of envy and hate. It acknowledges that we all have more to us than what size is on our pants tag, or the number on the scale.

This type of self love gives us the freedom to be in society and take part in the activities we've always wanted to do, but were told we don't belong in. I'm starting with dance. Where will you start?

13 things about sharing the world with other people

1. You don't have to be against cops to say #blacklivesmatter. You can actually respect the work of police officers while seeing that race is still an issue. 

2. If you're white, you can say white people are racist without actually being a racist. Recognizing racism does not make you racist. It means you can make observations. 

3. Just because someone is a criminal, does not mean they deserve to die for it. Especially if their crime was minor theft, minor drug charges, or resisting arrest. 

4. You don't have to police everyone's political correctness to call yourself a feminist. Everyone is at risk of being "offended." No one is perfect. We're all just trying to make it through this life as best we can. 

5. You can love men, realize that men are also damaged by the patriarchy, and are subjected to double standards AND still call yourself a feminist. No, really. It's that whole "equal and equitable" thing. 

6. You can be pro-life AND pro-choice. One is about wanting children to have healthy and love-filled lives. The other is about minding your own fucking business. 

7. Getting reimbursed for the preservation and transportation of fetal tissue is not "selling baby parts." At least not any more so than hospitals get reimbursed for organ donations or cadaver donations. 

8. You don't actually have to bake anyone a damn cake. You DO have to obey the law and not discriminate. 

9. LIKEWISE, no one has to bake you a cake and you don't have to sue everyone who says they disagree with your marriage. However, if you file a complaint on the basis of discrimination and your family life is disrupted and you risk losing an adoption case because bigots can't be professional business owners, you should absolutely mop the floor with them in court. Just realize that they'll raise donations for what they owe and bigots will help bigots succeed. 

10. Celebrating size diversity in our society and allowing people of size to feel like they're valued is NOT promoting obesity. One is about loving yourself/others. The other is a medical condition that is either a result of a combination of issues or a symptom of something else. Stop pretending you care about the"health" of obese people. You don't. You just hate fat people for the sheer fact that they're fat. If you cared about their health, you'd do more than tell them they're fat. Believe me, they're aware of it. 

11. Fat doesn't mean unhealthy the way skinny doesn't mean healthy. If you aren't that person's doctor, you don't know anything about their health. Kindly fuck off. 

12. You don't have to put someone else down to lift yourself up. If you have to say that people are less for you to be more, then you didn't really earn the accomplishment. 

13. You don't have to put yourself down to lift someone else up. No one likes to feel guilty that they accomplished something. 

There are probably more, but this was the best way for me to summarize a whole slew of feelings.